Wobble, Baby, Wobble

We are coming up on the 6 month mark of our tornado. Was talking to my daughter about it yesterday and we both agreed it has been both the longest and shortest 6 months ever.

SpinIt has sort of felt like that game you would play as a kid, where you’d close your eyes and spin around as fast and as many times as you can and then open your eyes. The world is wobbly and your balance is off and you can’t focus and you just feel nauseous. And you finally flop to the ground to wait out the reestablishment of your equilibrium.

Yeah. It feels like that. Pretty much every day.

Unfortunately as an adult with ‘responsibilities’ we don’t get the luxury of flopping to the ground to wait it out. There are bills to pay and piles of insurance paperwork and endless contractor questions and kids to shuttle to and fro and more. Those are all good reasons but the main one for me has been those 6 little eyes that stare at me. Those kids who got spun by the tornado along with me.

How they deal with tough situations in the future will be a direct result of what they are learning now. As hard as it is to wobble about my day and try to get things done, it is important to me that they see that when $hit gets hard, you still have to put one foot in front of the other and get along.

That’s not to say I’m not off my game. I’m cranky and cry easily and have trouble making decisions. My memory is off too – I think my mind is just so out of whack that I am losing things and forget things like I never did before.

I’ve never before experienced the onslaught of emotions that I’ve had over the past 6 months. Disbelief and helplessness, frustration and guilt, anger and unworthiness, hopeful and sorrow-filled, the emotions are raw and quick. I’ve experienced overwhelming joy and shock at the immediate and continued support from friends I know mainly online. I’ve experienced disappointment and sadness at the complete opposite from much closer relations. I constantly beat myself up about all of these emotions. That inner voice that says, “it’s been 6 months already, get over it”, or “y’all weren’t hurt and you get a new house, what’s to be sad about”. Logically I know that voice is crap, but it’s hard not to let it get to you.

As we cross this 6 month mark, I vow to give myself a little more grace. To accept those emotions and feelings as part of the ‘new norm’ for now. To grab the positive feelings and good days by the horns and embrace them with joy. To quit judging myself against others. To be ok with being sad and mad and glad and bad. (Wait, isn’t that a Dr. Seuss line?)

61rykitaoblI just finished reading Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things by Jenny Lawson. Her writing style is like an unfiltered stream of consciousness and delightful. While my baggage is not the same as hers, I identified with so much of what she said. I laughed and cried and did that snotty laughing/crying thing that is completely unattractive and slightly scary to those around you. I was sad to reach the book’s end. There are so many awesome lines in the book but a few stood out that I’ll quote here as a reminder to myself when I look back at this post.

“You are alive. You have fought and battled them. You are scarred and worn and sometimes exhausted and were perhaps even close to giving up, but you did not.”
― Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

You. Did. Not.

“In other words, stop judging yourself against shiny people. Avoid the shiny people. The shiny people are a lie. Or get to know them enough to realize they aren’t so shiny after all. Shiny people aren’t the enemy. Sometimes we’re the enemy when we listen to our malfunctioning brains that try to tell us that we’re alone in our self-doubt, or that it’s obvious to everyone that we don’t know what the shit we’re doing. Hell, there are probably people out there right now who consider us to be shiny people (bless their stupid, stupid hearts) and that’s pretty much proof that none of our brains can be trusted to accurately measure the value of anyone, much less ourselves. How can we be expected to properly judge ourselves? We know all of our worst secrets. We are biased, and overly critical, and occasionally filled with shame. So you’ll have to just trust me when I say that you are worthy, important, and necessary. And smart. You may ask how I know and I’ll tell you how. It’s because right now? YOU’RE READING. That’s what the sexy people do. Other, less awesome people might currently be in their front yards chasing down and punching squirrels, but not you. You’re quietly curled up with a book designed to make you a better, happier, more introspective person. You win. You are amazing.”
― Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

None of our brains can be trusted to accurately measure the value of anyone, much less ourselves.   <—- who else needed to hear this??

Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

I’m with Jenny! Who is with me??

And for those wanting an update, we turned in our 60 day notice to the apartment complex, and they started insulation today! Fingers crossed the next 2 months go without a hitch and we can move back in before the next school year starts! Oh and fingers crossed I don’t get paralyzed making decisions about furniture and paint colors and find myself in a fetal position under the desk sucking my thumb over the next few days.




About Nana

Mom. Salesforce Architect. Runner. Artist. Writer. I am a Salesforce MVP Hall of Fame member. For more information on the Salesforce MVP community, visit: http://www.salesforce.com/mvp/ . Salesforce, Force, Force.com, Chatter, and others are trademarks of salesforce.com, inc. and are used here with permission.
This entry was posted in Help A Mom Out!, Quirky Stuff, The Joy of Parenting, Working on Me! and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Wobble, Baby, Wobble

  1. Jan NoelSmith says:

    Good stuff, Nana. No one can go through what you have without change. And we know change is hard. It’s even harder when you need to be the positive model for your kids. But I know without doubt, that you can handle it. You have a great heritage, much love, intelligence and creativity. It’s all glued together with your supportive family. You got this!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dwayne Ryman says:

    Nana, I love your writing style. It is raw and insightful and your humor comes through. It shows much more in your writing than it does in conversation and we are victors over the monster. We took one HELLUVA punch from Satan himself and we are still standing and in the game to continue the fight. The hard part was over the night of 12/26/15…this other minutia is just more current and seems tougher but it really isn’t! Love you guys…I am glad I have gotten the chance to get to know you a bit and hope I get the chance to know your whole family even better!

    Liked by 1 person

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